Resentment

This is going to be one of those whiny post. Where I drag my feet walking and make loud sighs and hoping no one talks to me cause I want to be alone eating by myself to put up with myself.

Root cause? Lack of sleep? Due presentation?  I don't know..

Maybe I'm jealous. Of everyone who is all smiley and ready for the world so early in the morning.  On normal days that's usually me.. zombified or not I'm a morning person. Nope not today. If I see my usual self I'd prolly say zip it. 

Don't think I'm mad at the babies. I know there were days I just wish someone could take them off of my hands so I can justtttttttt have a little quiet and me time. No not today,  I kissed and hugged them and carry them on my shoulder shooshing them to sleep or pujuk them when they're cranky.

I'm prolly lost. Or mad at myself. For not knowing what to do to calm emir two nights in a row throwing tantrums and not wanting to eat dinner straight away. (The nursery just switched to a new nap time so he gets sleepy when it's dinnertime). Also mad I dont prepare nutritious food for  pre toddler age. Emir use to love potatoes carrots salmon when it was pureed. Now he wants nasi kosong and sup kosong only. We tried making them really small (all veges meat etc) but he'll throw em out if it's bulky. Sometimes my husband succeeds making him eat more. Sometimes I give up and give him banana and just yoghurt.

And my freestyle breastpump is busted. So i had to use the manual breastpump and that's making me really tired and upset. Takes longer and more effort to ensure i have enough milk for the kids.

So I'm just tired I guess. Just wanna be alone. But i miss my kids.  Just don't have the energy at this moment,  not right now.